AHHHH, its been nearly a month since i last touched this business.
but im back. and since the final tuition payment is due tuesday [which i paid today] i guess im staying.
months before i left vancouver, an exchange meeting was held to inform us of what to plan before our departure, what may occur while away... and to tell us that it never ends.
that of which was simply to tell us in advance that the experience doesnt end once we leave our school.
back in my old school, surrounded by old friends, an old city, old friendships...
a passing of 10 months seems to have aged everything i once knew to a point of where i feel as if im a stranger in my own world.
six months away. i thought i had only lost time amongst unfamiliar surroundings in a learning atmosphere where my creative needs were challenged and bound within barriors and the life i had left nearly half a world away... had somehow fallen asleep.
in those six months, i simply existed and lived as if i were never leaving.
till my last night in zurich, i felt a sense that i wasnt actually leaving, but just going to visit home, going to school for a bit... just going away for a while.
schools started now, my first day back was the most challenging of all. i held a constant struggle within myself, debating if i belonged amongst those i left 10 months prior. questioning every uneasy feeling, debating every unsettled decision for the upcoming year; i became overwhelmed and broke.
at which point, i was shown why i belonged here, what i was doing here and who mattered here.
its been a roller coaster being back, from appartment hunting and dissapointment,
being surrounded in my old city has opened my eye to many things i was oblivious to before,
the ways people are, the way we live, what we do with our every day, how we treat each other.
the smile i woke with every morning in zurich still wakes with me every day.
the people i have surrounded myself with, the work i am producing, the excitment about projects and ideas i have...
this. is. everything.
10 months away has showen me what im doing here.
why ive decided to return and stay isnt really something you should need me to explain,
have you the chance to see what im doing here,
you'd understand.
2.9.08
12.8.08
...twen-tee.eight
i went camping the other week, it was good fun! we climber a mountain, and jewel made a snow angel at the top!
we ate beans cooking in the campfire, attempted to master the s'mors - but left too soon on a greyhound to vancouver.
i arrived in vancouver on thursday night, and headed rite to jericho beach, where i accidently stumbled across a few fields of frisbee players. i took a closer look, saw a sweed flag, a german.... and THE SWISS FLAG! AHHH,[i was excited.]
the puropse of my vancouver weekend visit was to see lisa [my roommate form switzerland, shes on the national swiss frisbee team, the frisbee and guts championships were being held at thunderbird stadium in vancouver. thus, lisa was playing frisbee in vancouver] [and i couldnt wait to see her.]
i quickly searched the field of players and found my little swiss lady friend! i was so excited to have one of my roommates come visit that when it actually happened, i couldnt believe it. lisa ditched her bus back to UBC and joined us for dinner. it was her first time eating vietnamiese food... by the end of dinner, her fingers were tender from using chop sticks!
NEXT: LISA HAS HER FIRST BUBBLE TEA!
amanda and josie suggested started flavours, anna and simon knew what to order.. and i knew ot hold back on the bubble tea-goodness! i wish i had had my camera wiht me for a photograph of lisas first sip. she had NO idea what to expect, the tapioka bubbles got the best of her and she didnt finish her bubblie surprise! [josie then dompnstrated to lisa how one sucks a bubble into their drinking straw... and projects it out [with force] onto storefront windows along broadway!]
i had the pleasure of watching the swiss team play finland friday morning, unfortunatlly they lost, placing them 10th in the tournament.
as well as they played, i couldnt figure the dammed game out! i mean... they throw the frisbee... and run past it when it lands ont he ground. if it were me, i woudl have picked it up and kept playing! but apparentlly, lisa informs me that onlys elect members of the team are allowd to pick it up. meh, who needs rules anyways. and another strange thing about ultimate... they play this circle ring business game deal thing at the end, they all huddle together and chat...? i dunno, i dont get frisbee!
i really enjoyed having lisa visit canada, at times reality snuck up and when i looked around while riding hte bus with her, i realized i wasnt in zurich anymore. it was the frist time riding public transportation since i left switzerland, and there i was... with a swiss mate on the 99 B-line?
everyday for 6 months, i relied on the ZVV to get me around zurich. the minute i stepped off the plain in toronto, that was al history. car. we use cars and other automobiles to get everywhere we need to get in this country. and now... translink+lisa+vancouver.... ???
everytgin kinda cought me off guard. on one hand, i wanted to take lisa all over, show her my city, sheo her the good eats, the fun places, introduce her to my friends, she her what all that vancity fuss was about.
but on the other hand, i didnt realize i wasnt ready to be back in vancouver yet, and i just wanted to catch up with her and have girl talk the whole weekend. i wanted to chat with her as if we were back in switzerland, and she was representing each of our housemates. but she clearly wasnt brown or blonde sandra, wasnt kevin or jan.... and my god, lisa is no simon! having her here was the perfect visit! naturally lisa wanted ot explore the city, but never fussed about needing to see anythign in particulare, it was sure a nice weekend doing everyday thins with her in the city... i wish i had had more time to spend and chat with her. ha.
it was such a pleasure having lisa in the city, i loved every moment of her being here. i had limited time to show here everything in my life from the past 3 years... so it had to be narrowed down! adn when it came time for me to leave her on sunday, i left her with letters and a fabulous map of the city, enriched with a list of things she must do, see and eat in the city!
i couldnt believe i was saying goodbye to her as i boarded the greyhound back to predator ridge. finally leaving hit me - and i cried as i boarded the bus.
not even 10 minutes on the bus, simon and i decided LISA MUST LEAVE VANCOUVER AND COME STAY WITH US! but my cell was dead!
so it was arranged, lisa woudl explore the city for a few days... then come stay at predator ridge with us while simons parents were off hiking/climbing mountains in and around banff.
she came... YESSS!
it was awesome. it was so awesome having her visit not in the city, but in another area of canada that not everyone gets to see. and she gets to stay at a wicked awesome golf resort! she was here for only a few days... but they were packed with excitment!
lisa joined me at work on thursday morning! she met willem, dan and frazer... and saw how we 'work'. ha ha. she even picked up the rake and accomplished as much work as frazer does in a week! ha, just kidding.
we showed her this place and went wake surfing that night on robs boat. simon surfed well, lisa got up on her first attempt, willem made surfing look harder hen it ever could be... and i got up by accident!
then... we ate delicious nachos covered in CHEDDER! [ohh i missed chedder all those months!] took her to ricardos and then rock climbing at skaha followed by floating down a river and taco bell [her idea!] afterwards.
simon really enjoyed having her around, I LIKED HAVING HER AROUND.
i wish she haddnt had to leave, or that i could have gone to san diego or new mexico with her... but ill be back in vancouver in about a week and half, getting ready to break in the foundation students, sorting out living for the next two years and finding my favorite peoples which i havnt seen since december. sigh.
i shoudl have taken lisas passport and claimed t was stolen on her bus ride to kelowna,
i shoudl have broken her leg while she was surfing,
should have sent terrorist threat letters signed by her,
just to make her have ot stay in canada a while longer...
but better yet, i shoudl just go back to switzerland.
anyone want to join me? next summer? mid to late aug perhapse?.... stay until oktoberfest-ish time? yes?
we'll talk!
we ate beans cooking in the campfire, attempted to master the s'mors - but left too soon on a greyhound to vancouver.
i arrived in vancouver on thursday night, and headed rite to jericho beach, where i accidently stumbled across a few fields of frisbee players. i took a closer look, saw a sweed flag, a german.... and THE SWISS FLAG! AHHH,[i was excited.]
the puropse of my vancouver weekend visit was to see lisa [my roommate form switzerland, shes on the national swiss frisbee team, the frisbee and guts championships were being held at thunderbird stadium in vancouver. thus, lisa was playing frisbee in vancouver] [and i couldnt wait to see her.]
i quickly searched the field of players and found my little swiss lady friend! i was so excited to have one of my roommates come visit that when it actually happened, i couldnt believe it. lisa ditched her bus back to UBC and joined us for dinner. it was her first time eating vietnamiese food... by the end of dinner, her fingers were tender from using chop sticks!
NEXT: LISA HAS HER FIRST BUBBLE TEA!
amanda and josie suggested started flavours, anna and simon knew what to order.. and i knew ot hold back on the bubble tea-goodness! i wish i had had my camera wiht me for a photograph of lisas first sip. she had NO idea what to expect, the tapioka bubbles got the best of her and she didnt finish her bubblie surprise! [josie then dompnstrated to lisa how one sucks a bubble into their drinking straw... and projects it out [with force] onto storefront windows along broadway!]
i had the pleasure of watching the swiss team play finland friday morning, unfortunatlly they lost, placing them 10th in the tournament.
as well as they played, i couldnt figure the dammed game out! i mean... they throw the frisbee... and run past it when it lands ont he ground. if it were me, i woudl have picked it up and kept playing! but apparentlly, lisa informs me that onlys elect members of the team are allowd to pick it up. meh, who needs rules anyways. and another strange thing about ultimate... they play this circle ring business game deal thing at the end, they all huddle together and chat...? i dunno, i dont get frisbee!
i really enjoyed having lisa visit canada, at times reality snuck up and when i looked around while riding hte bus with her, i realized i wasnt in zurich anymore. it was the frist time riding public transportation since i left switzerland, and there i was... with a swiss mate on the 99 B-line?
everyday for 6 months, i relied on the ZVV to get me around zurich. the minute i stepped off the plain in toronto, that was al history. car. we use cars and other automobiles to get everywhere we need to get in this country. and now... translink+lisa+vancouver.... ???
everytgin kinda cought me off guard. on one hand, i wanted to take lisa all over, show her my city, sheo her the good eats, the fun places, introduce her to my friends, she her what all that vancity fuss was about.
but on the other hand, i didnt realize i wasnt ready to be back in vancouver yet, and i just wanted to catch up with her and have girl talk the whole weekend. i wanted to chat with her as if we were back in switzerland, and she was representing each of our housemates. but she clearly wasnt brown or blonde sandra, wasnt kevin or jan.... and my god, lisa is no simon! having her here was the perfect visit! naturally lisa wanted ot explore the city, but never fussed about needing to see anythign in particulare, it was sure a nice weekend doing everyday thins with her in the city... i wish i had had more time to spend and chat with her. ha.
it was such a pleasure having lisa in the city, i loved every moment of her being here. i had limited time to show here everything in my life from the past 3 years... so it had to be narrowed down! adn when it came time for me to leave her on sunday, i left her with letters and a fabulous map of the city, enriched with a list of things she must do, see and eat in the city!
i couldnt believe i was saying goodbye to her as i boarded the greyhound back to predator ridge. finally leaving hit me - and i cried as i boarded the bus.
not even 10 minutes on the bus, simon and i decided LISA MUST LEAVE VANCOUVER AND COME STAY WITH US! but my cell was dead!
so it was arranged, lisa woudl explore the city for a few days... then come stay at predator ridge with us while simons parents were off hiking/climbing mountains in and around banff.
she came... YESSS!
it was awesome. it was so awesome having her visit not in the city, but in another area of canada that not everyone gets to see. and she gets to stay at a wicked awesome golf resort! she was here for only a few days... but they were packed with excitment!
lisa joined me at work on thursday morning! she met willem, dan and frazer... and saw how we 'work'. ha ha. she even picked up the rake and accomplished as much work as frazer does in a week! ha, just kidding.
we showed her this place and went wake surfing that night on robs boat. simon surfed well, lisa got up on her first attempt, willem made surfing look harder hen it ever could be... and i got up by accident!
then... we ate delicious nachos covered in CHEDDER! [ohh i missed chedder all those months!] took her to ricardos and then rock climbing at skaha followed by floating down a river and taco bell [her idea!] afterwards.
simon really enjoyed having her around, I LIKED HAVING HER AROUND.
i wish she haddnt had to leave, or that i could have gone to san diego or new mexico with her... but ill be back in vancouver in about a week and half, getting ready to break in the foundation students, sorting out living for the next two years and finding my favorite peoples which i havnt seen since december. sigh.
i shoudl have taken lisas passport and claimed t was stolen on her bus ride to kelowna,
i shoudl have broken her leg while she was surfing,
should have sent terrorist threat letters signed by her,
just to make her have ot stay in canada a while longer...
but better yet, i shoudl just go back to switzerland.
anyone want to join me? next summer? mid to late aug perhapse?.... stay until oktoberfest-ish time? yes?
we'll talk!
3.8.08
...twen-tee.eight
so after last weeks long hard thought delegations, i have come to realize that my hobbies are...
people watching,
taking pictures of people... [that i am watching]
correspondence,
making photos,
and adventures,
in reality, as it looks, I guess im the perfect professional stalker, or undercover information officer, yes?
some people invest money into gear and supplies for their hobbies, i invest in postage, stamps and film!
so, if you or someone you know is in the market and they wish to have someone followed...
please, contact me for further detail.
(no money back and no guarantees)
its sunday morning - i usually try o update this blogg'in business on saturday if not before then... buuuuut i didnt!
i got tired and have been searching for a place to live for sept. vancouver housing this year is rediculous... more rediculous then any other year i have been searching. ive been living on craigslist for the past 4 weeks responding everyday to postings in my price range. (NOTE... do you know of a 2br apartment not in the sketchy asian part of town? Reasonable price? pleaseeeee. tell me, yes?) its almost dammed near impossible to get any response it seems, within an hour of a place going up, thay are usually taken.it also doesnt really help that nicole is off in spain with her sister and mom rite now, and didnt leave her refrences. all replys im getting is asking for both of us to come and see the place, but that cant happen. shes not arriving in vancouver until the 29. so that leaves me alone to convince these landlords to take us.
im heading to vancouver this weekend, im trying to set up house viewings for sat and sun... so far ihave a few, btu they want us both there, so we probablly wont be getting those places.
im goig camping this week.. yeahhh. im bringing my trysty old type writes thats travelled across canada with me nearly 4 times now! (i have ot keep up to date on my hobby some how!!!)
leaving for camping tomorrow and while were returning o thursday, they are droppig me off in hope to catch the greyhound to vancouver.
okay, okay, so youve most likely heard of the fucked up sicko (vince li 40 yr.) who decapitated and then proceeded to eat a man on a greyhound bus last wednesday. il be sitting at the front of the bus next to old ladies, or next to children! those annoying ones that never shut up.... but at least i know they arent gonna knife me...
also, another super wicket crazy awesome things...
LISA IS IN CANADA!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
lisa my roommate from zurich is on the swiss national ultimate frisbee team, and theres a championship being held at thunderbird stadium in vancouer rite now!
lisas team is in the championship.... thus LISA CAME TO CANADA! so coem thursday, i head to vancouver to find my long lost swiss mate! im so excited, i have mc adventure planned, places to showhere, people for her to meet, ahhhhhh im so excited!
there was a rockslid just last week on the sea to sky highway connecting vancouver ot whistler, i had hopped ot get one of my guys-es cars to take lisa to whistler to show her some of our mountains. btu unless they get all that cleared up... ill just take her to vancouver island and to east hastings! ha. oh god! [but actually, i am taking her to east hastings, its a cultural match point in the city!]
having lisa in the city is probablly gonna be one ot the greatest highlights of my summer, seeing as i am usually on the run every minute of everyday being spoiled by incredable friends at home... this sumer has been beyond low key.
i have been enjoying myself, but it doesnt have that 'kick' that has made all other summers memorable.
in switzerland, i hardy did anything... i was hoping to return home to have my ass kicked back into summer mode... but sadly that was cut short after just a few days. sigh.
i miss those killer days whe your out till 3 or 4 at the bar, and the you realize... fuck i have ot work at 830..... fuucckk meeeee.
but you know its gonna be okay, because you have good ol' timmy ho's!
ahhh i cant wait for school to start, back into business and harassing the first eyar studets, rite now - its what im breathing for!
its sunday, its the first day since ive gotten here that we havnt had anythign planned. its kinda nice.. got to sleep in!
so today... marbel slabb.... YESSSS i love ze, ice cream!
people watching,
taking pictures of people... [that i am watching]
correspondence,
making photos,
and adventures,
in reality, as it looks, I guess im the perfect professional stalker, or undercover information officer, yes?
some people invest money into gear and supplies for their hobbies, i invest in postage, stamps and film!
so, if you or someone you know is in the market and they wish to have someone followed...
please, contact me for further detail.
(no money back and no guarantees)
its sunday morning - i usually try o update this blogg'in business on saturday if not before then... buuuuut i didnt!
i got tired and have been searching for a place to live for sept. vancouver housing this year is rediculous... more rediculous then any other year i have been searching. ive been living on craigslist for the past 4 weeks responding everyday to postings in my price range. (NOTE... do you know of a 2br apartment not in the sketchy asian part of town? Reasonable price? pleaseeeee. tell me, yes?) its almost dammed near impossible to get any response it seems, within an hour of a place going up, thay are usually taken.it also doesnt really help that nicole is off in spain with her sister and mom rite now, and didnt leave her refrences. all replys im getting is asking for both of us to come and see the place, but that cant happen. shes not arriving in vancouver until the 29. so that leaves me alone to convince these landlords to take us.
im heading to vancouver this weekend, im trying to set up house viewings for sat and sun... so far ihave a few, btu they want us both there, so we probablly wont be getting those places.
im goig camping this week.. yeahhh. im bringing my trysty old type writes thats travelled across canada with me nearly 4 times now! (i have ot keep up to date on my hobby some how!!!)
leaving for camping tomorrow and while were returning o thursday, they are droppig me off in hope to catch the greyhound to vancouver.
okay, okay, so youve most likely heard of the fucked up sicko (vince li 40 yr.) who decapitated and then proceeded to eat a man on a greyhound bus last wednesday. il be sitting at the front of the bus next to old ladies, or next to children! those annoying ones that never shut up.... but at least i know they arent gonna knife me...
also, another super wicket crazy awesome things...
LISA IS IN CANADA!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
lisa my roommate from zurich is on the swiss national ultimate frisbee team, and theres a championship being held at thunderbird stadium in vancouer rite now!
lisas team is in the championship.... thus LISA CAME TO CANADA! so coem thursday, i head to vancouver to find my long lost swiss mate! im so excited, i have mc adventure planned, places to showhere, people for her to meet, ahhhhhh im so excited!
there was a rockslid just last week on the sea to sky highway connecting vancouver ot whistler, i had hopped ot get one of my guys-es cars to take lisa to whistler to show her some of our mountains. btu unless they get all that cleared up... ill just take her to vancouver island and to east hastings! ha. oh god! [but actually, i am taking her to east hastings, its a cultural match point in the city!]
having lisa in the city is probablly gonna be one ot the greatest highlights of my summer, seeing as i am usually on the run every minute of everyday being spoiled by incredable friends at home... this sumer has been beyond low key.
i have been enjoying myself, but it doesnt have that 'kick' that has made all other summers memorable.
in switzerland, i hardy did anything... i was hoping to return home to have my ass kicked back into summer mode... but sadly that was cut short after just a few days. sigh.
i miss those killer days whe your out till 3 or 4 at the bar, and the you realize... fuck i have ot work at 830..... fuucckk meeeee.
but you know its gonna be okay, because you have good ol' timmy ho's!
ahhh i cant wait for school to start, back into business and harassing the first eyar studets, rite now - its what im breathing for!
its sunday, its the first day since ive gotten here that we havnt had anythign planned. its kinda nice.. got to sleep in!
so today... marbel slabb.... YESSSS i love ze, ice cream!
27.7.08
...twen-tee.seven.
driving back form the beach this afternoon,
dan asks in his british accent, "yvonne, what kind of hobbies have you?"
"ummmm..." i reply. "i dont know? i dont think i have any hobbies. my roomates in switzerland asked me that and i didnt know what to say. i used to have hobbies. but i cant remember what they are. i guess i forgot?"
dan and simon kinda laughed.
but then it dawned on me...
i really have forgotten my hobbies! or did i ever have any? AHHH i dont know!
i mean, im a photographer. and i like to go on adventures to take photos... does that count?
okay, so does anyone have a hobby i can have? know of a web site where i can find one?
were planning on going pain tballing at Silver Star in the next weeks to come, i voiced to the guys "maybe paintball is my hidden talent, and youll all be blown away at my excellent skills?" they wernt buying that one either!
(actually, we have teams planned for paintball. y team has uniforms. uniforms of WHIT PAINTERS SUITS! i know what your all thinking... BRILLIANT! yes? dont worry, there will be pictures for you all to see!)(and my team will win!)
so hobbies...
does people watching count? (i hope so.)
simon said that my hobby talking to people. i prefer to think that my hobby is sining and making others sing with me. does that count?
okay, for serious guys... i need a hobby. any suggestions?
i decided im going to find some this week, AND MASTER THEM!
were going mini putting this week, maybe ill be good at that!
or maybe my hobby is trying to find a hobby,
or maybe my hobby is accidents, hummm, maybe.
okay, for real, any hobby suggestions? and no stamp collecting please!
dan asks in his british accent, "yvonne, what kind of hobbies have you?"
"ummmm..." i reply. "i dont know? i dont think i have any hobbies. my roomates in switzerland asked me that and i didnt know what to say. i used to have hobbies. but i cant remember what they are. i guess i forgot?"
dan and simon kinda laughed.
but then it dawned on me...
i really have forgotten my hobbies! or did i ever have any? AHHH i dont know!
i mean, im a photographer. and i like to go on adventures to take photos... does that count?
okay, so does anyone have a hobby i can have? know of a web site where i can find one?
were planning on going pain tballing at Silver Star in the next weeks to come, i voiced to the guys "maybe paintball is my hidden talent, and youll all be blown away at my excellent skills?" they wernt buying that one either!
(actually, we have teams planned for paintball. y team has uniforms. uniforms of WHIT PAINTERS SUITS! i know what your all thinking... BRILLIANT! yes? dont worry, there will be pictures for you all to see!)(and my team will win!)
so hobbies...
does people watching count? (i hope so.)
simon said that my hobby talking to people. i prefer to think that my hobby is sining and making others sing with me. does that count?
okay, for serious guys... i need a hobby. any suggestions?
i decided im going to find some this week, AND MASTER THEM!
were going mini putting this week, maybe ill be good at that!
or maybe my hobby is trying to find a hobby,
or maybe my hobby is accidents, hummm, maybe.
okay, for real, any hobby suggestions? and no stamp collecting please!
26.7.08
...twen-tee.six.
hummm,
if theres one thing i dont miss about being on the west coast... its gotta be the early morning wake up calls! just because the rest of the world seems to be living in the future from where i am currently living... this doesnt mean YOU SHOULD CALL ME AT 5 AM.... AHHHHHH! [sigh.]
ive been living at predator ridge for about two weeks now, its been rediculous! halarious! awesome!.... and exciting.
work has beating me everyday... i think i amuse my co-workers.
OR they just like to laugh at me. i like to play in the dirt, so if 5 minutes into the shift im dirtier then they are after 8 hours... i get made fun of! were working landscaping on this spa resort at predator ridge [its called sparkling hills] i only assume that in the next few years operah will be walking along the path i built!
the other day yvonne was on power sander duty... yupp, [but it only lasted for the morning]
everything seemed to be going well until i got to the second piece of wood - the pine slipped from below the sander, which then fell towards me... and now i have wounds on my upper thighs. moments later, simon arrived with some polyspourn for my cuts. i then slipped on the gravel and bashed my knee open on the ground. it hurt. bad. it bled. scabbed... bled again. and still hurts!
i spent a hour in the spa last evening trying to stretch the muscles in my knee, to loosen it up and hopefully give it less of a dead weight feeling for biking today... but i had no such luck.
i woke up this morning, it was still sore, tender and 1/4 dead-ish. i refuse to see a doctor until maybe wednesday. because of my knee, biking never happened today, and rock climbing at skahaw wont happen tomorrow either... instead im being dropped at the vinyards next to the beach, sigh! (im so excited! wine & cheese.... AND BEACH! YESSS!)
ive met some awesome people here at predator, from simons family to their friends, my co-workers and their peoples... ive been kept super busy - im exhausted. i need a vacation!
we got to Silver Star this morning, the guys headed uphill with their bikes... dan spent 2 hours in the repair shop! rachel and i decided to get lift passes for the day and do some hiking... we got lost! it was awesome!
we tried another trail after lunch... we won!
we had hoped to see at least one bear on the trail today, instead... we were attacked by man eating flies. they enjoyed eating rachels flesh... but stood their distance from my garlic based skin. (they were missing out - huge!)
rachel is 4 months pregnant now, so we had a rather leasure hike down the mountain - yet i got a blister on my toe! we chatted the whole afternoon away, when i started to think about people - my favorite people far away, family i miss, friends that have passed away and the new people that have overwhelmed me recently. ive been thinking about things people remember. how sometimes you remember things and you wish to hold on to those memories forever, but the ones you wish to remember the most... often slip away the easiest. then other times you remember things and you wish to forget them, but know it best to accept they happened, you know they happened at least once... so they would be best to prevent from happening again.
but then i thought of the things that happen that make me happy. make me appreciate things. things i hope to always remember... but know that i should forget them, maybe just for a little while. maybe i should forget these things so i can find new things to look forward to, new things to make me happy,
but then i realize that these things i wish to remember [but feel i should forget] are what makes me appreciate what comes next.
and somehow i know i cant forget them... i wont let myself.
i find that the things i keep secret in my daily thoughts find their way into what im doing, they remind me of so much, that i feel this need to abolish them... so as i can move on adn appreciate new things. but when i realize how these old things make me smile. i know nothing else could ever stand as a replacement or hold an alike value of equality to what i already know as wonderful.
if theres one thing i dont miss about being on the west coast... its gotta be the early morning wake up calls! just because the rest of the world seems to be living in the future from where i am currently living... this doesnt mean YOU SHOULD CALL ME AT 5 AM.... AHHHHHH! [sigh.]
ive been living at predator ridge for about two weeks now, its been rediculous! halarious! awesome!.... and exciting.
work has beating me everyday... i think i amuse my co-workers.
OR they just like to laugh at me. i like to play in the dirt, so if 5 minutes into the shift im dirtier then they are after 8 hours... i get made fun of! were working landscaping on this spa resort at predator ridge [its called sparkling hills] i only assume that in the next few years operah will be walking along the path i built!
the other day yvonne was on power sander duty... yupp, [but it only lasted for the morning]
everything seemed to be going well until i got to the second piece of wood - the pine slipped from below the sander, which then fell towards me... and now i have wounds on my upper thighs. moments later, simon arrived with some polyspourn for my cuts. i then slipped on the gravel and bashed my knee open on the ground. it hurt. bad. it bled. scabbed... bled again. and still hurts!
i spent a hour in the spa last evening trying to stretch the muscles in my knee, to loosen it up and hopefully give it less of a dead weight feeling for biking today... but i had no such luck.
i woke up this morning, it was still sore, tender and 1/4 dead-ish. i refuse to see a doctor until maybe wednesday. because of my knee, biking never happened today, and rock climbing at skahaw wont happen tomorrow either... instead im being dropped at the vinyards next to the beach, sigh! (im so excited! wine & cheese.... AND BEACH! YESSS!)
ive met some awesome people here at predator, from simons family to their friends, my co-workers and their peoples... ive been kept super busy - im exhausted. i need a vacation!
we got to Silver Star this morning, the guys headed uphill with their bikes... dan spent 2 hours in the repair shop! rachel and i decided to get lift passes for the day and do some hiking... we got lost! it was awesome!
we tried another trail after lunch... we won!
we had hoped to see at least one bear on the trail today, instead... we were attacked by man eating flies. they enjoyed eating rachels flesh... but stood their distance from my garlic based skin. (they were missing out - huge!)
rachel is 4 months pregnant now, so we had a rather leasure hike down the mountain - yet i got a blister on my toe! we chatted the whole afternoon away, when i started to think about people - my favorite people far away, family i miss, friends that have passed away and the new people that have overwhelmed me recently. ive been thinking about things people remember. how sometimes you remember things and you wish to hold on to those memories forever, but the ones you wish to remember the most... often slip away the easiest. then other times you remember things and you wish to forget them, but know it best to accept they happened, you know they happened at least once... so they would be best to prevent from happening again.
but then i thought of the things that happen that make me happy. make me appreciate things. things i hope to always remember... but know that i should forget them, maybe just for a little while. maybe i should forget these things so i can find new things to look forward to, new things to make me happy,
but then i realize that these things i wish to remember [but feel i should forget] are what makes me appreciate what comes next.
and somehow i know i cant forget them... i wont let myself.
i find that the things i keep secret in my daily thoughts find their way into what im doing, they remind me of so much, that i feel this need to abolish them... so as i can move on adn appreciate new things. but when i realize how these old things make me smile. i know nothing else could ever stand as a replacement or hold an alike value of equality to what i already know as wonderful.
20.7.08
...twen-tee.five.
i cant begin ot tell you how many times i attempted to write this next blogg entry.
how many times i pulled up the screen to write the next one,
how many ways i thought to start it,
how many days i set aside to write it.
if i had worked according to my initial plan, i would have posted the day before i left zurich, the day before i left queensville, man maybe mid montana...
yet, because of the effecting factors to change the perspectives of everything in my surroudance (yes i made that word up!) ive found hesitance to post in nearly a month.
much has happened, as you may suppose.
i left.
i left zurich, and forced myself not to look back.
i knew if i looked back, i wouldnt have left. no one tried to stop me from leaving.
i hate goodbyes. thus... i try to pretend they mean nothing to me, i tell people i dont want to talk about it - because its a truth i cant stop from happening.
originally i was to leave switzerland on june 24, but prolonged my stay due to a few mentionable... and unmentionable factors and things i had hoped would be there.
some i found, while others have bound my mind in knots for some weeks now. officially... i have left. but since then, ive been looking for ways back. witht he new carbon tax business going on... a round trip from vancouver to zurich will cost me a few bucks shy of $1500... i guess that less then a doller for every KM! (17000km)
i live 9 hours of a difference now, its the difference between nigth and day, makes the seperation of who i know and who i knew rather relevant. and it hurts.
i have home for what seemes for a few hours. from the moment my plain landed.... till today - ive been nothing but busy.
trying ot make up for lost time with friends, trying to sort out what im doing come september, and trying to find a place to hold onto where ive just been for the past 5 months.
ive left places before, and soon after leaving... i find myself searching for ways to hold onto those places. and slowly as the days turn to weeks... weeks turn to months.... i forget.
forget what that place was to me, forget whats happened there, forget the smiles and saddest of all, i begin to forget why i even held on in the first place.
i dont want ot forget this place, i want ot keep it in my pocket forever. i want to remember everything. i dont want to let these people slip away as other may have.
i know a few of my rebhusliweg co-inhabitants have read this blogg in the past... and guys, if your reading it now.... im not goign to stop harassing you with pointless e-mails, annoying facebook msgs and awful junk mail.
try to ignore me... ILL JUST SEND MORE ATTEMPTS! thats a promise.
i refuse to write i final farewell in this blogg, im not ready for that.
in the weeks before i left, i had written letters to all my roommates, i tucked them away in a safe place so they wouldnt be spotted by accident. but my failing memory forgot that i had packed them into my negative binder..thus i didnt find them until i had returned to Canada, and haddnt given them to those they were meant for.
on the morning i left, both Sandra and Simon gave me letters to read on my flight home. i tucked them in my carry on, along wiht cherries simon had picked the day before.
as i sat in my seat, i thought of the letters... but held off on opening them because i still had a few healthy hours to kill across the atlantic before landing!
first snack break in, i pulled them out. opened the first one only to see simons hand writing which was enough to make me begin crying. in a twisted morbid way, i thought "this might very well be the last time i ever see simons writing, or have words written by him in my hand" i put the letters away and talked ot the man beside me.
usually i avoid eyecontace and go to great extremes to avoid conversation on planes with strangers... this is al because ive taken too many night flights form vancouver to toronto with creepy business men while flying home for christmas every year. but this large jolly looking man seemed innocent and not a perv. we alked , he told me of his wife and kids, how he moved ot canada from pakistan, how he was a computer programer who haddnt learned anything new in 20 years, and about his pet horse! he asked me about myself, my travels, my schooling, photography, family, friends, and slurgi! i told him i was bringing back the best souviner.... my bicycle! he laughed and told me of his youthfull bike racing days. the man was grossly overweight and i hardlly believed he was a cyclist! ... btu as the hours past.. he kept coming back to the idea of my bike! at one point he said "who would have thought, after al these years, i run into a cyclist on my flight" i told him tha ti was hardly a cyclist, that slurgi and i only ventured downhill, usually on sunday... and along Zurich See. nothing to bragg about.... seeings as shes a bitch when it comes to going up hill.
in the end, i realized i had jsut had one of the most lovely conversation with a complete strange, he helped me wiht my luggage when exiting the plain and told me that it was a pleasure meeting me. and maybe, for the first time since i can remember... i believed him.
dad picked me up ( on time!!!) i came home ( mom was still at work), i walked in the door... and there was Marty lying (dead like) on the floor. i haddnt realized how much he could have aged while i was away, but apparently he developed diabeties, went blind-ish, deaf, cant lift his leg to pee and can hardly keep his rear end up while standing. he should he put to sleep... but i dont think the family wants to not come home to him every night. sad thing is... i havnt had faith in him for the past 3 years. every time i leave for school, i say goodbye to him as if it will eb the last time... but he keeps on kickin... but realistically - theres no way he will make it till i see him again.
as soon as i was in queensville, i left. got a job at predator ridge and roadtripped across america with luc to the west coast. made it alive... and ive been working since i got to simons place in the okanogan valley.
the people i work with are rediculous/halarious characters! and now that im working... all ive had time to do is thinkg about more things that make me loose sleep at night.
last fall, i felt homesick as i missed my friends so dearly after the best summer of my life.
now,
im homesick,
culture shocked,
i miss my alien country,
and wish upon every chance i get that ill see my Rebhusliweg roommates again one day.
im still not ready to say goodbye,
for now, i need a distraction or day dream to get me through till september when classes begin.
how many times i pulled up the screen to write the next one,
how many ways i thought to start it,
how many days i set aside to write it.
if i had worked according to my initial plan, i would have posted the day before i left zurich, the day before i left queensville, man maybe mid montana...
yet, because of the effecting factors to change the perspectives of everything in my surroudance (yes i made that word up!) ive found hesitance to post in nearly a month.
much has happened, as you may suppose.
i left.
i left zurich, and forced myself not to look back.
i knew if i looked back, i wouldnt have left. no one tried to stop me from leaving.
i hate goodbyes. thus... i try to pretend they mean nothing to me, i tell people i dont want to talk about it - because its a truth i cant stop from happening.
originally i was to leave switzerland on june 24, but prolonged my stay due to a few mentionable... and unmentionable factors and things i had hoped would be there.
some i found, while others have bound my mind in knots for some weeks now. officially... i have left. but since then, ive been looking for ways back. witht he new carbon tax business going on... a round trip from vancouver to zurich will cost me a few bucks shy of $1500... i guess that less then a doller for every KM! (17000km)
i live 9 hours of a difference now, its the difference between nigth and day, makes the seperation of who i know and who i knew rather relevant. and it hurts.
i have home for what seemes for a few hours. from the moment my plain landed.... till today - ive been nothing but busy.
trying ot make up for lost time with friends, trying to sort out what im doing come september, and trying to find a place to hold onto where ive just been for the past 5 months.
ive left places before, and soon after leaving... i find myself searching for ways to hold onto those places. and slowly as the days turn to weeks... weeks turn to months.... i forget.
forget what that place was to me, forget whats happened there, forget the smiles and saddest of all, i begin to forget why i even held on in the first place.
i dont want ot forget this place, i want ot keep it in my pocket forever. i want to remember everything. i dont want to let these people slip away as other may have.
i know a few of my rebhusliweg co-inhabitants have read this blogg in the past... and guys, if your reading it now.... im not goign to stop harassing you with pointless e-mails, annoying facebook msgs and awful junk mail.
try to ignore me... ILL JUST SEND MORE ATTEMPTS! thats a promise.
i refuse to write i final farewell in this blogg, im not ready for that.
in the weeks before i left, i had written letters to all my roommates, i tucked them away in a safe place so they wouldnt be spotted by accident. but my failing memory forgot that i had packed them into my negative binder..thus i didnt find them until i had returned to Canada, and haddnt given them to those they were meant for.
on the morning i left, both Sandra and Simon gave me letters to read on my flight home. i tucked them in my carry on, along wiht cherries simon had picked the day before.
as i sat in my seat, i thought of the letters... but held off on opening them because i still had a few healthy hours to kill across the atlantic before landing!
first snack break in, i pulled them out. opened the first one only to see simons hand writing which was enough to make me begin crying. in a twisted morbid way, i thought "this might very well be the last time i ever see simons writing, or have words written by him in my hand" i put the letters away and talked ot the man beside me.
usually i avoid eyecontace and go to great extremes to avoid conversation on planes with strangers... this is al because ive taken too many night flights form vancouver to toronto with creepy business men while flying home for christmas every year. but this large jolly looking man seemed innocent and not a perv. we alked , he told me of his wife and kids, how he moved ot canada from pakistan, how he was a computer programer who haddnt learned anything new in 20 years, and about his pet horse! he asked me about myself, my travels, my schooling, photography, family, friends, and slurgi! i told him i was bringing back the best souviner.... my bicycle! he laughed and told me of his youthfull bike racing days. the man was grossly overweight and i hardlly believed he was a cyclist! ... btu as the hours past.. he kept coming back to the idea of my bike! at one point he said "who would have thought, after al these years, i run into a cyclist on my flight" i told him tha ti was hardly a cyclist, that slurgi and i only ventured downhill, usually on sunday... and along Zurich See. nothing to bragg about.... seeings as shes a bitch when it comes to going up hill.
in the end, i realized i had jsut had one of the most lovely conversation with a complete strange, he helped me wiht my luggage when exiting the plain and told me that it was a pleasure meeting me. and maybe, for the first time since i can remember... i believed him.
dad picked me up ( on time!!!) i came home ( mom was still at work), i walked in the door... and there was Marty lying (dead like) on the floor. i haddnt realized how much he could have aged while i was away, but apparently he developed diabeties, went blind-ish, deaf, cant lift his leg to pee and can hardly keep his rear end up while standing. he should he put to sleep... but i dont think the family wants to not come home to him every night. sad thing is... i havnt had faith in him for the past 3 years. every time i leave for school, i say goodbye to him as if it will eb the last time... but he keeps on kickin... but realistically - theres no way he will make it till i see him again.
as soon as i was in queensville, i left. got a job at predator ridge and roadtripped across america with luc to the west coast. made it alive... and ive been working since i got to simons place in the okanogan valley.
the people i work with are rediculous/halarious characters! and now that im working... all ive had time to do is thinkg about more things that make me loose sleep at night.
last fall, i felt homesick as i missed my friends so dearly after the best summer of my life.
now,
im homesick,
culture shocked,
i miss my alien country,
and wish upon every chance i get that ill see my Rebhusliweg roommates again one day.
im still not ready to say goodbye,
for now, i need a distraction or day dream to get me through till september when classes begin.
18.6.08
...twen-tee.four.
i know i shoudl write about my greek adventure tonight,
or how a few of my most favorite people in the world have just visited me in the last week,
or maybe i shoudl write about the glorious events to have taken place last night at EURO CUP (ital vs. france) in zurich... btu before all that...
i lost my breath tonight.
i still remember that first day i felt like i belonged here.
it was a sunday, brunch to be exact. i remember how i felt that day- that i had a place i belonged, that i was a part of something - and how i decided it was a feeling i would keep and bottle up forever.
i remember that day-and how it made me feel-how i could breath clearly. and how i never thought it would end.
it ended today.
i took nicole to the airport for her 10am flight to Toronto.
it wasnt the goodbyes that made my realization reality, it was the thought of being in that airport and not knowing how i would ever get myself on that plain in a few weeks.
it dulled my day thinking of this. i came home and read a few e-mails from home and talked to my mom on the phone. in the back of my head, i knew i wasnt looking forward to today.
today was the day my roommates has scheduled to interview new people for my room.
this room is my place here, the only place i have in the city to feel comfortable, and to think of it slipping away so easily... made my day even worse.
i tried to forget about what was to come this evening by cleaning my room, doing laundry twice today... i actually washed some thigns more then once. then cleaned the kitchen, bundled recycling and newspapers, helped sandra take the PET and glass to the recycling depot... but the thought of someone replacing me... wouldnt shake out of my head.
tonight was the first time since i left canada that i felt i hadn't a place to belong.
i thought of what that meant, and how it was something that i often felt in the 905 and 604, not because i was alienated... but because of the constants that follow me in my relationships and friendships with others.
i made my dinner as the first 'possibles' arrived.
i was okay.
i turned and saw my 5 roommates differently,
they were together, and i wasnt there.
i know they need to find someone to take my room.
i just didnt realize how easy it would be for them to pick a random person who replied to a internet posting.
i left the kitchen to eat my dinner in my room alone.
people came and went, i showed them the generic tour...
a handfull got a few more cents out of me about the place, only because i could imagine a few of them being picked, and to keep my emotions from showing... all i could awkwardly do is comment on a strange/exciting fact of living here.
at one point i had one guy in my room and he just kept staring at me as if he wanted to hear more... i had nothing else to say and offered my precious bicycle.
and then regreated the thought of giving slurgi up so easily.
i sat in my room, jan and sandra called me to the kitchen to join them,
but i dont think any one of them realized I COULDNT BE THERE.
that i couldnt sit there watching them replace me.
i started to imagine what their lives would be like when im living mine 14000 & 17000 km away...
and then i realized, im going ot miss each one of them more then they would ever miss me.
i walked across my room to get lotion for my sunburn and saw them all together, and realized. thats it.
im not a part of this anymore.
all those bottled thoughts of the sunny day seemed stale, and only existant in my imagination.
the doorbell rang again, and i showed the lasy guy the tour... he was rather friendly, and seemed to chat along with the others just fine in the kitchen. everyone sounded like they were having a wonderful time in the kitchen when someone yelled out "yvonne, whats the search words for 'what are you sinking about'?"
naturally, i love that youtube video, and i sprang to get the video... but when i gotto the kitchen, they were already watching it.
i went back to my room and sat there, and thought about that night justin told me about it. and how it made me laugh for what seemed like endless hours. and how i loved showing it to my house mates, and how we still randomlly watch it... and how i like to think of it as my little thing.
and there i was in my room barely holding together, while they were showing it to the new guy and laughing together.
ive picked up on some german here and there, and i then recognized the mentioning of cartoons or something, and i had a thought that they were mentioning this other video i always show my roommates.
thankfully, before i could hear any more and wonder why show this radom guy 'my little joke things' the doorbell rang for the final person (who was my favorite in the end) she was friendly, pleasent, nice and i had a feeling she would fit in rather well with everyone.
and then my heart broke.
maybe everything i thought was here has just been in my head. that i was believing what i needed ot believe to make this a place i needed to exist.
maybe... just maybe.
but then when i think of each housemate... i know i didnt make this all up.
i cant imagine not comign home to them every day. hearing sandras 'hallo' from the basement followed by chatting with her seconds later,
seeing jan once or twice a week,
hearing kevins slippers come down the stairs,
or simons consistant mishaps...
never once in my 5 months of being here have any of them asked me why i am the way i am.
simon almost came close to touching on it once... but i wasnt ready to say anything.
all the visitors left this evening, and the roommates dissapered back to their studies.
i needed to walk someplace, for tonight... i saw them together, as they would be as if i never were here. it shattered me.
special friends at home always tell me that i could never be replaced... when someone tells you something like that, you never believe them. and now... i really dont believe them.
i started walking tonigth just as nigth was falling. the moon was full and orange like chedder. and i started thinking aboot how no one ever questioned who i am to those at home.
and when i started to think about what i woudl say if they asked...
i found myself in disbaleaf. if i were to hear what has happened ot me, what ive done, things i couldnt control from happening and got bound in... i dont know how i would respond. i probablly wouldnt respond. maybe feel like i should... but wouldnt know how and thus, wish i had never asked.
just before i came to switzerland, i was at work with jane. shes 16, in high school, sheltered by her suburban neibourhood and spoiled by her parents. somehow, we both worked the same night shifts during the week, we would chat... and she would be curious about so many things, why i thougth a certain way, dealt with things the way i do and allow others to meet me as a simple person. jane worked my secrets out of me, i kinda laughed at frist when she said 'youve done and seen so much adn your so young'.
but now that ive been away from att the surroundigns that have effected everythign that has built who i am... i see jane was rite.
some things - i never should have seen, felt or had to deal with. it took isolation from the surroundings i was raised in to see that clearly. in zurich, i wake with a smile on my face, i can hear my own thoughts, i can breath.
but i lost my breath tonight, as i walked through the fanmile trying to contain my tears - for every memory of a happenign or occurence which has aided to shaping who i am today, i lost wind.
even worse, i found myself hyperventalating at the realization of what happened last december. it never hit me until tonight, i guess ive never really had the time to think about why people chose to involve me.
and then i realized, the people back home who say they love me and miss me the most, are the ones that got me choked up tonight, the ones that when thinking about them... flushed so much out of me.
why is that? that the ones that 'love' you the most, need you more then you can give.
there are a handfull of you that know and understand why i could never turn someone away.
has that made me a push over? maybe, probablly?
funny thing is, i arrived in zurich with no one knowing a thing about me.
i never said anything, never explained anything... no one needs to know specifics.
now that im leaving... i have in idea of what they know me as here...
its probablly a more naturally realistic idea, more ideal then who those i have known for hears know me as.
im not ready to leave here just yet, this feels like home.
that if people ask, i was raised in queensville, went to school in vancouver, but home is zurich.
she laughed and said i cant just do that! that i dont even speak the language!
as good of a point as she had... i thought of that saying 'you can never truly go home'
ive seen and experienced this twice a year for some tiem now, slitting time between the 905 and 604. but now... if zurich is my home, i would never be possible to return. my home here is Rebuesliweg 1d, with sandra 1 & 2, lisa, kevin, jan and simon.
anythign esle wouldnt be home.
in a couple weeks, ill be walking out my home door one last time.
how would you feel?
if when you hear that door close one last time, you knew that was it.
you would never be home again?
or how a few of my most favorite people in the world have just visited me in the last week,
or maybe i shoudl write about the glorious events to have taken place last night at EURO CUP (ital vs. france) in zurich... btu before all that...
i lost my breath tonight.
i still remember that first day i felt like i belonged here.
it was a sunday, brunch to be exact. i remember how i felt that day- that i had a place i belonged, that i was a part of something - and how i decided it was a feeling i would keep and bottle up forever.
i remember that day-and how it made me feel-how i could breath clearly. and how i never thought it would end.
it ended today.
i took nicole to the airport for her 10am flight to Toronto.
it wasnt the goodbyes that made my realization reality, it was the thought of being in that airport and not knowing how i would ever get myself on that plain in a few weeks.
it dulled my day thinking of this. i came home and read a few e-mails from home and talked to my mom on the phone. in the back of my head, i knew i wasnt looking forward to today.
today was the day my roommates has scheduled to interview new people for my room.
this room is my place here, the only place i have in the city to feel comfortable, and to think of it slipping away so easily... made my day even worse.
i tried to forget about what was to come this evening by cleaning my room, doing laundry twice today... i actually washed some thigns more then once. then cleaned the kitchen, bundled recycling and newspapers, helped sandra take the PET and glass to the recycling depot... but the thought of someone replacing me... wouldnt shake out of my head.
tonight was the first time since i left canada that i felt i hadn't a place to belong.
i thought of what that meant, and how it was something that i often felt in the 905 and 604, not because i was alienated... but because of the constants that follow me in my relationships and friendships with others.
i made my dinner as the first 'possibles' arrived.
i was okay.
i turned and saw my 5 roommates differently,
they were together, and i wasnt there.
i know they need to find someone to take my room.
i just didnt realize how easy it would be for them to pick a random person who replied to a internet posting.
i left the kitchen to eat my dinner in my room alone.
people came and went, i showed them the generic tour...
a handfull got a few more cents out of me about the place, only because i could imagine a few of them being picked, and to keep my emotions from showing... all i could awkwardly do is comment on a strange/exciting fact of living here.
at one point i had one guy in my room and he just kept staring at me as if he wanted to hear more... i had nothing else to say and offered my precious bicycle.
and then regreated the thought of giving slurgi up so easily.
i sat in my room, jan and sandra called me to the kitchen to join them,
but i dont think any one of them realized I COULDNT BE THERE.
that i couldnt sit there watching them replace me.
i started to imagine what their lives would be like when im living mine 14000 & 17000 km away...
and then i realized, im going ot miss each one of them more then they would ever miss me.
i walked across my room to get lotion for my sunburn and saw them all together, and realized. thats it.
im not a part of this anymore.
all those bottled thoughts of the sunny day seemed stale, and only existant in my imagination.
the doorbell rang again, and i showed the lasy guy the tour... he was rather friendly, and seemed to chat along with the others just fine in the kitchen. everyone sounded like they were having a wonderful time in the kitchen when someone yelled out "yvonne, whats the search words for 'what are you sinking about'?"
naturally, i love that youtube video, and i sprang to get the video... but when i gotto the kitchen, they were already watching it.
i went back to my room and sat there, and thought about that night justin told me about it. and how it made me laugh for what seemed like endless hours. and how i loved showing it to my house mates, and how we still randomlly watch it... and how i like to think of it as my little thing.
and there i was in my room barely holding together, while they were showing it to the new guy and laughing together.
ive picked up on some german here and there, and i then recognized the mentioning of cartoons or something, and i had a thought that they were mentioning this other video i always show my roommates.
thankfully, before i could hear any more and wonder why show this radom guy 'my little joke things' the doorbell rang for the final person (who was my favorite in the end) she was friendly, pleasent, nice and i had a feeling she would fit in rather well with everyone.
and then my heart broke.
maybe everything i thought was here has just been in my head. that i was believing what i needed ot believe to make this a place i needed to exist.
maybe... just maybe.
but then when i think of each housemate... i know i didnt make this all up.
i cant imagine not comign home to them every day. hearing sandras 'hallo' from the basement followed by chatting with her seconds later,
seeing jan once or twice a week,
hearing kevins slippers come down the stairs,
or simons consistant mishaps...
never once in my 5 months of being here have any of them asked me why i am the way i am.
simon almost came close to touching on it once... but i wasnt ready to say anything.
all the visitors left this evening, and the roommates dissapered back to their studies.
i needed to walk someplace, for tonight... i saw them together, as they would be as if i never were here. it shattered me.
special friends at home always tell me that i could never be replaced... when someone tells you something like that, you never believe them. and now... i really dont believe them.
i started walking tonigth just as nigth was falling. the moon was full and orange like chedder. and i started thinking aboot how no one ever questioned who i am to those at home.
and when i started to think about what i woudl say if they asked...
i found myself in disbaleaf. if i were to hear what has happened ot me, what ive done, things i couldnt control from happening and got bound in... i dont know how i would respond. i probablly wouldnt respond. maybe feel like i should... but wouldnt know how and thus, wish i had never asked.
just before i came to switzerland, i was at work with jane. shes 16, in high school, sheltered by her suburban neibourhood and spoiled by her parents. somehow, we both worked the same night shifts during the week, we would chat... and she would be curious about so many things, why i thougth a certain way, dealt with things the way i do and allow others to meet me as a simple person. jane worked my secrets out of me, i kinda laughed at frist when she said 'youve done and seen so much adn your so young'.
but now that ive been away from att the surroundigns that have effected everythign that has built who i am... i see jane was rite.
some things - i never should have seen, felt or had to deal with. it took isolation from the surroundings i was raised in to see that clearly. in zurich, i wake with a smile on my face, i can hear my own thoughts, i can breath.
but i lost my breath tonight, as i walked through the fanmile trying to contain my tears - for every memory of a happenign or occurence which has aided to shaping who i am today, i lost wind.
even worse, i found myself hyperventalating at the realization of what happened last december. it never hit me until tonight, i guess ive never really had the time to think about why people chose to involve me.
and then i realized, the people back home who say they love me and miss me the most, are the ones that got me choked up tonight, the ones that when thinking about them... flushed so much out of me.
why is that? that the ones that 'love' you the most, need you more then you can give.
there are a handfull of you that know and understand why i could never turn someone away.
has that made me a push over? maybe, probablly?
funny thing is, i arrived in zurich with no one knowing a thing about me.
i never said anything, never explained anything... no one needs to know specifics.
now that im leaving... i have in idea of what they know me as here...
its probablly a more naturally realistic idea, more ideal then who those i have known for hears know me as.
im not ready to leave here just yet, this feels like home.
that if people ask, i was raised in queensville, went to school in vancouver, but home is zurich.
she laughed and said i cant just do that! that i dont even speak the language!
as good of a point as she had... i thought of that saying 'you can never truly go home'
ive seen and experienced this twice a year for some tiem now, slitting time between the 905 and 604. but now... if zurich is my home, i would never be possible to return. my home here is Rebuesliweg 1d, with sandra 1 & 2, lisa, kevin, jan and simon.
anythign esle wouldnt be home.
in a couple weeks, ill be walking out my home door one last time.
how would you feel?
if when you hear that door close one last time, you knew that was it.
you would never be home again?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
